Millennia ago, there was a prophecy. It told of a battle of extraordinary magnitude between two lovers. The legendary battle between the two lovers was recorded shortly after it happened. This is it below.
The corn was not like its usual self. It was swaying much too quickly. Corny Collins emerged from his cozy farmhouse to see what’s going on. He knew what this meant. It could mean only one thing. He has returned. The very thought of him approaching shook Corny deep, but he was ready. The two fought together in Vietnam and the Corny Collins show. The corn then stopped swaying. “He’s here”, he muttered. Then it happened. A horrific whistling filled the upper atmosphere as the sky turned a bright orange, and what could only look like a giant meteor was coming down from the heavens, like god had passed judgment on Earth and was raining fire and brimstone. But this was no work of God, no, this was God. Corny prepared himself with the Infinity Gauntlet he received from Thanos many centuries ago. And with a sudden blast brighter than the sun and a boom louder than Krakatoa, it was apparent that he had arrived. I.Q. Jones.
The initial planetfall leveled everything within a 50 km radius. “I knew you’d come back one day,” said Corny, no response. “I knew that one day you would have the balls to return here to me”, no response. “Well, say something! I know why you’re here, and let me tell you, you're never getting me back. I belong to Brenda now.” Finally, I.Q. opened his mouth. “Farming? Really? A man of your talent?” he stated to Corny, “It’s a quiet hobby. I find it enjoyable, but I will have to forget about it because you destroyed everything in sight when you made your landing”. “You know why I’m here. And it’s not to discuss why you took up the art of farming”. “I know. Now, believe me, its really gonna hurt me with what I’m about to do to you” claimed Corny in a rather prideful voice. “No it won’t,” said Jones. And as the two began to charge towards the other, it felt like the very ground was going to shatter.
The fight began with Corny attempting to push back the immense speed of I.Q. by blasting him with the power stone to little avail but still momentarily suppressed his raw power. But the attempt was futile. I.Q. blasted Corny with his raw dank energy. Corny was blasted so hard and so far that he landed all the way to California and landed in a basic hipster cafe on the streets of San Francisco, annihilating every soyboy in the shop. I.Q. then jumped all the way from Wisconsin to the exact hipster cafe to dish out more punishment to the state of California and Corny along the way. He then pulled out a hand welded fishing rod he made himself from the pocket of his Levis 38x40 Jeans and proceeded to beat Corny with it. “It’s fishing time!” he yelled and mercilessly beat Corny with it. But Corny knew this was going to happen, he dashed over to the Faema Enova A 2 Group Commercial Espresso Machine, ripped it out of the wall and threw it at I.Q. faster than light and caught him off guard. It knocked Jones across the street into the other beta male hipster coffee shop because those things are fucking everywhere on the streets of San Francisco I mean seriously what the hell. I.Q. got up and instantly vaporized everyone within the cafe due to the sheer celestial energy emitting from his body. Corny used the ability of the Space Stone to teleport himself in front of I.Q. to profusely pulverize I.Q. into the ground. Jones regained consciousness and shot Collins through the roof and into the atmosphere. Jones then jumped up and threw him back down to earth destroying the entirety of California with the blast but didn’t damage the surrounding states for some reason. Maybe it was because of I.Q.’s burning rage for the state and he wanted to hit Corny hard by making him destroy Corny’s home where he was a prominent member of the Roof Koreans fighting off looters and bandits. This attack was sure to emotionally destroy Corny.
Devastated at the loss of his childhood home, Corny felt mixed emotions of sorrow and rage flow through him. The burning hatred he had for I.Q. had risen to such an extent that he was willing to do anything to destroy him. He ran around the neighboring states to find what he needed. And there it was, an unharmed roll of Air Conditioning Pair Coil ¼’ x ⅜’410A 20m Polyethylene UV Protected Insulated Copper Heat Resistant to 120 °C and proceeded to morph it using the reality stone into the Legendary Armadyl Godsword from Old School Runescape. A video game he played many years ago. Corny hoisted it up in the air to conduct its power and brought it back down. He admired the weapon and reminisced about the days of fighting monsters and other players with it in the game. And it was now time to turn it on the man he now hated most.
“Nice sword” scolded I.Q., “I’ve got something to equal it”. He stretched out his arm and waited for it to arrive. And with a sudden bolt of lightning, it flew right into his hand. The mythical hammer Mjolnir. “Thor lent me this before I came” he boasted, “He said it would be just the thing to combat you with. Let’s hope he is a man of his word.” The two began a dash towards each other. Jones leaped into the air to conduct lightning from the legendary hammer and to increase the velocity of which it fell. Collins began to get into a defensive position to deflect the attack and redirect the lightning back at him. I.Q. came down upon Collins with lighting emitting from himself, Corny parried the blow and successfully captured the electricity within his blade, with a mighty swing downward, he blasted it at Jones, knocking him back. Corny Leaped high up to bring the sword down on his opponent. And with a sudden downwards blow of enchanted metal and electricity, Corny was only able to knick Jones on his forearm. “Your form needs improvement” boasted I.Q., “This isn't even my final form” shouted Collins as he turned about for more swings.
Collins barraged Jones with endless waves of swings and slashes. “I see you have been playing Old School Runescape lately” scolded Jones. He followed by shouting “Medieval 2 is better you asshole!” “You can’t compare them because they are very different games” responded Collins, “You need to stop hanging out with Frollo! He’s getting to your head!”. Jones continued to hammer away, with Collins parrying and blocking it each time. The two brought up their weapons to unleash their full destructive capabilities, I.Q. began to emit lightning from his eyes and body and his voice turned to thunder, Corny began to absorb the energy of the Frog God of Kekistan Pepe, first wielder of the Godsword. Pepe’s ghostly soul began to surround Collins’s body as if it was a [STAND] from JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure. The two foes flew toward each other at an incomprehensible speed and brought down their instruments of destruction on each other, parrying the blow together. The extreme energy emitted from the blast sent a mushroom cloud 70km in the air with the shockwave flattening everything else within a 500 km radius. Covering the Earth in ash expected to last for the next decade. I.Q. and Corny were both damaged by the blast. Corny stood up and said with a fatigued voice “Let us take this fight someplace else so we don’t destroy the rest of this planet. I.Q. got up. Coughing up ash, he said, “I will agree with you just this once you bastard”. Corny formed a slight grin on his face “Good” he said, and opened a portal for the two of them with the Space Stone to teleport them somewhere less populated.
The two landed in the middle of space. “Where are we, what is this place?” asked Jones. Corny opened his mouth “We are in the exact center of the Milky Way galaxy. If you look to your left, you will see Sagittarius A*. The supermassive black hole would have sucked in just about anything that comes near it. But not us. Even a black hole of this size and density would need a much stronger gravitational pull just to even nudge us towards it so we are fine”. “Ain’t that something. I nearly forgot this was my old friend Sagittarius A*” responded Jones. “You’ve been here before?” asked Collins. “Yah I used to live in there for quite some time and once a month, some old alien race would bring 69,420 of their own kind to sacrifice to me so I wouldn’t destroy their solar system. Eventually, I got bored of drinking the souls and essence of the innocent so I just destroyed their solar system without any warning” as I.Q. formed a sinister grin on his face. Collins didn’t know what to say. Jones looked back at Collins “Now that you have known my history with this place, I must finish what I came for you for and since we are in a more appropriate environment, I will show you my true form” I.Q. began to morph and expand into a being larger than Jupiter. His skin turned to a beautiful, multicolour space dust his eyes began radiating as bright as the sun while his hair turned to a glistening, flowing, golden blonde and his fingers morphed into lit blunts. He was beautiful yet malevolent. “Tremble before me, Corny Collins! I am your reckoning!”
Corny knew he could not counter this so he called upon his master. “Pepe. I surrender my body and soul over to you” he whispered, and as soon as he finished saying these words, Pepe himself took control of him. He transformed into the spectacular image of the frog god of Kekistan. “Now, this is more like it”. “This battle will be on the galactic level my old ho,” said I.Q. as his voice boomed. Pepecorny pointed his sword towards the celestial titan, “For all the innocent lives you have destroyed, I claim justice!” as he flew towards True Form Jones.
Jones’s voice sounded like it was switching from English to an ancient tongue that only he must have spoken a long time ago. Pepecorny plunged his sword within the celestial titan but to his surprise, the stardust body merely opened up so it would pass right through. By the time he withdrew it, he was smacked so hard that he flew to the far reaches of the black hole while I.Q. pursued not far after. “How could he have this much power? Even with the Godsword and the Infinity Gauntlet I can’t harm him” Pepecorny thought to himself. Before Ascended Collins could recalibrate, True Form Jones appeared behind him hand stuck his lit blunt hands into his back, making him dazed and relaxed due to the sheer magnitude of the cannabis injection. “I grow my own dank, it’s the best on the market but it's not in the market because I’m not selling it, not even the black market in my basement. In absolutely no market in the world will you find my dank. Not even bootleg markets in the Chinese black market because this dank hasn’t even hit the markets and it never will because the markets are unworthy. Even when I was living in Sagittarius AI didn’t place it in the intergalactic markets meaning that no market in the market in the galaxy has my dank. Even when I travel the multiverse I don’t sell it in the intermultiversal markets and black markets so that no one ever can have a puff of my dank. Although I once considered bringing it to the local farmers market that was across the street from the Corny Collins Show, but it was a market so I cou-” I.Q. was monologuing long enough about the markets that Pepecorny was able to regenerate himself and strike I.Q. with the Power Stone infused Godsword. “I never knew that the Godsword could harness the Infinity Stones.”
Jones was infuriated by this attack. How could his ignorance lead to damage being brought towards him? In his blind rage, he flew back towards Pepecorny and dropped kicked him against the nearest planet. Using his abilities, he pulled another planet towards him, sandwiching him against them, destroying the two planets. Pepecorny couldn’t take this kind of attack directly. Even using the Infinity Gauntlet to push back the planets wasn’t enough to counter an attack of this magnitude. He stumbled down to an asteroid to catch his breath. I.Q. landed right in front of him, Collins was fighting to regain strength and spitting up blood just trying to get up. But all Jones could was smirk. He had no pity for such a being so much lower than him. “You think that you are Kek, but you are just cringe normie” Pepecorny’s vitals were fading and Pepe’s soul began transcending saying “later normie” and Corny began turning back to his normal. “I have lost this fight…” He said weakly. “But I'm not done yet!” He raised his hand that still had the gauntlet on it, “You forgot to take this off me!” he raised the Gauntlet and snapped.
“What?” said Corny. He kept snapping again and again but nothing happened. All the stones were in place but it wasn’t working. “It’s not possible! I did everything right! All the stones are here!” I.Q. looked at the helpless Corny Collins and laughed. “You didn’t realize that midway through the fight, I stopped time, ate the stones and replaced the stones with ring pops with an led light in the middle” Corny was in absolute shock. “That’s not possible!” True Form Jones shook his head and laughed. “Oh it is possible, you kinda just have to put your mind to it. Now, let’s end this” He reached out and Mjolnir returned to his hand. “No no no, I am Corny Collins! I cannot die!” “let’s test that theory.” He picked up Collins buy his collar, swung Mjolnir and quick-scoped it against Corny’s chest. “This is impossible! I am Corny Collins” screamed Corny in agony as his body began to crack. “REEEEEEEEEEE-” his body and soul were obliterated. The wrath of Corny Collins was no more and I.Q. flew back to Earth in triumph.